As you might know there are 365 days in a year, and that is exactly how long it has been since I was temporarily unable to walk... A lot has happened in a year since then and I didn't expect to have changed in myself that much because of it, but I have. So here is a break down of what has happened over exactly a year today!
1. I can now walk, even though I was unable to walk for a period of approx. 5/6 months, and then again for a shorter period of 3/4 weeks when I had a sudden relapse.
2. I lost someone very close to me as they sadly passed away after months of struggle from a stroke, and then a more serious stroke.
3. I changed my mind at least 32062810 times on what I was going to do in year 13 of sixth form, and then what I wanted to after that. I went from having a gap year and working my butt off for more money, to wanting to go to uni, to wanting to go on a lot of work experience to get some idea of the industry world, and even considered spending a year doing a foundation year because it might help me in getting into uni.
4. I have changed emotionally and mentally. I have had to repeat myself a lot to doctors/nurses/physiotherapists/neurological physiotherapists/psychologists and it ended up helping me come to terms with how serious this was. It might sound stupid but when I was in hospital and they read a list out of serious things it could have been to cause me to stop walking like a brain tumour/M.S./a tumour or lump on my spine/a virus that could be permanent... it hit me that it could have been those but when tests came back all clear I blocked it out of my mind so I never thought of it again. It only hit me when I had my relapse and a physio asked "How would you feel if you were like this forever?" Now I know that there have been a lot of people who use to be able to walk and now can't because of a number of things from war injuries to car crashes, but having that question put forward to you when you've come out of something once, is scary. All I could think about was how it would affect me at school, and uni, and at work and in future life. Since that point I have become more determined in things such as getting my art coursework done and to the best I can do it, to get the grades I need to get into uni, to do whatever I want to the best of my ability (and all the other cheesy things I would say, but I don't want you to vomit from the soppiness).
5. I can drive. Now I have booked my test and it is within the next month and this to me is a huge achievement. To me driving is a step towards being totally independent since I wouldn't have to ask my mum to drive me to x/y/z, instead I could say "Mum I'm going to (insert place)" and go! Simple as that.
That's all I can think of at the moment but hopefully now that I have settled into the final year of sixth form I will be blogging a lot more and also doing some vlogs of things I get up to and even some challenges that I have planned......
Thank you for reading this and I hope you are all enjoying the start of a new school year. If you have any requests for blogs/vlogs, just comment below or tweet me
Speak to you later m'lovelies!!
Monday, 30 September 2013
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Back to School
Tomorrow is the first day back to school and my last ever first day back since this will be me going into Year 13. It means this next year is a big one in terms of I need to do everything I can so then I can get into the university I want to.. which is still being decided from a current list of 10. For some reason though.. I'm not excited to go back. I know that might make me seem a little nerdy for being excited in the past to go back but I think everyone has felt that at one time or another in their school life.
At the end of the Summer holidays, people are excited to start a new year with the outlook of "a new year, a new start, a new Me", but I think everyone has come to realise, whether it be too late or not, no matter what we do, you can't start again. You might be able to start something from the beginning again but sadly, everything seems to never quite end how we'd like it to. I want to stop biting my nails, I crack after a few days, I want to lose weight, I crack and eat everything in the fridge.
This time though, I'm doing something totally out of my comfort zone... I'm going into something as Me. Not the "new Me" or a "fresh Me". Just Me. No set goal at the end of the year or any aims. Just to do my best and be Me for once around everyone, instead of just a few friends.
The other day on Instagram I saw this image or quote or motto, whatever you want to call it, and I realised that this is why everyone wants to start things over.. because we are afraid. We are afraid that being ourselves will make other people think badly of us or look down at us, or that things will go wrong. So what if they do? Most of the time the mistakes are the best memories and end up being better for us anyway.
This may seem like a lot of rambling but what I'm trying to say, as cheesy as it may be.. don't start again and wish for a new beginning. Carry on and do what you want without trying to please everyone, just do it for you, no one else. You.
Thursday, 22 August 2013
A-Levels, Fitness and Blogging
SO! Results day was a week ago and I'm not going to lie, I wasn't as happy as I wanted to be. I got a C in English Literature and a D in History. To me this is a big disappointment because after coming out of all my exams for them, I was expecting to manage to get a B in both, maybe an A if I was lucky enough to get low grade boundaries. This obviously was not the case.
I have really bad anxiety when it comes to exams and the environment that come with them. I go in confident (but not over confident) and know what I need to know. At this point I feel fine until the examiner shouts "BEGIN"! This is when I panic, go blank, want to run away and hide somewhere where no one can find me for a long time. I don't know why I get like this but I think the pressure suddenly hits me and I realise that this is the real thing.
All I can do now though is embrace my final year at school/sixth form and do the best I can. Luckily with my art, it means I'll be able to get all the UCAS points I should need to get into the uni's I like and want to get interviews at, but still I'm cracking down in Art and History (I'm dropping English Literature purely on an enjoyment level) to get the best I can and go out of year 13 with a bang. This means actually doing work in my free lessons and not getting distracted in actual lessons, so, wish me luck! Anyway, moving on!
Moving totally away from UCAS and exams and school jargon... I have no more physio for 6 months! WOOH! This means no missing school and having to catch up from other people and after school, it means no physio exercises at home just general exercise (which I can do now!) and also means no more "I can't do that because of....". It means I'm basically normal so if I meet anyone new I don't have to say "don't worry, I'm not ridiculously nervous, my legs constantly shake" and have to go into the whole back story of the last 11 months. Wow, 11 months is a long time for this to have been happening!
Now I am back to "normal" though, I'm focusing on other things like doing my practical driving test! That's right I passed my theory after failing for the first time. First time round I got 42/50 on the multiple choice and 38/75 on the hazard perception, for those of you who don't know, you need 43/50 and 44/50 to pass. Clearly I didn't. Second time though I got 47/50 and 50/75 and so passed which is all good :) Now it's just a case of waiting for the big day and wanting a car even more.
Another thing I'm focusing on is losing weight. I know this was in my very first blog posts and was one of my new year resolutions but give me credit, I've finally learnt to walk which is quite good for me. So now my goal is to lose weight and actually go to the gym/pool that I have available to me. This will be something that I will also blog about. And talking about blogging...
I have decided that my blog is going to be a way of me talking about my general life and everything else around me because even though some people don't find my life interesting, I do and want to share this with people who like to read about things like this. This will include food, cats, gym/pool sessions, days out, cats and more cats. Yes I have a small obsession with cats. But it may also include things with hair and makeup because I am a girl and I like that stuff. If you don't like it.. DON'T READ IT! Simples *meerkat noise*.
That's all I really have to report but I am sure I will be back soon enough so enjoy yourselves m'lovelies and I you are well and happy :)
<3
I have really bad anxiety when it comes to exams and the environment that come with them. I go in confident (but not over confident) and know what I need to know. At this point I feel fine until the examiner shouts "BEGIN"! This is when I panic, go blank, want to run away and hide somewhere where no one can find me for a long time. I don't know why I get like this but I think the pressure suddenly hits me and I realise that this is the real thing.
All I can do now though is embrace my final year at school/sixth form and do the best I can. Luckily with my art, it means I'll be able to get all the UCAS points I should need to get into the uni's I like and want to get interviews at, but still I'm cracking down in Art and History (I'm dropping English Literature purely on an enjoyment level) to get the best I can and go out of year 13 with a bang. This means actually doing work in my free lessons and not getting distracted in actual lessons, so, wish me luck! Anyway, moving on!
Moving totally away from UCAS and exams and school jargon... I have no more physio for 6 months! WOOH! This means no missing school and having to catch up from other people and after school, it means no physio exercises at home just general exercise (which I can do now!) and also means no more "I can't do that because of....". It means I'm basically normal so if I meet anyone new I don't have to say "don't worry, I'm not ridiculously nervous, my legs constantly shake" and have to go into the whole back story of the last 11 months. Wow, 11 months is a long time for this to have been happening!
Now I am back to "normal" though, I'm focusing on other things like doing my practical driving test! That's right I passed my theory after failing for the first time. First time round I got 42/50 on the multiple choice and 38/75 on the hazard perception, for those of you who don't know, you need 43/50 and 44/50 to pass. Clearly I didn't. Second time though I got 47/50 and 50/75 and so passed which is all good :) Now it's just a case of waiting for the big day and wanting a car even more.
Another thing I'm focusing on is losing weight. I know this was in my very first blog posts and was one of my new year resolutions but give me credit, I've finally learnt to walk which is quite good for me. So now my goal is to lose weight and actually go to the gym/pool that I have available to me. This will be something that I will also blog about. And talking about blogging...
I have decided that my blog is going to be a way of me talking about my general life and everything else around me because even though some people don't find my life interesting, I do and want to share this with people who like to read about things like this. This will include food, cats, gym/pool sessions, days out, cats and more cats. Yes I have a small obsession with cats. But it may also include things with hair and makeup because I am a girl and I like that stuff. If you don't like it.. DON'T READ IT! Simples *meerkat noise*.
That's all I really have to report but I am sure I will be back soon enough so enjoy yourselves m'lovelies and I you are well and happy :)
<3
Friday, 5 July 2013
Relapse.
Wednesday 19th June, sat in an English lesson and then... BOOM! No ability to walk or lift my legs. The first thing that goes through my mind? GREAT! More hospital appointments, more tests and scans, more intense physio, more missing out on things. Turns out I've had a mini relapse in which I'm effectively back to square 2.. not as bad as the very beginning but close to it.
At this exact moment in time I'm able to walk without crutches and don't need to lean on anyone one or anything for support... but I get extremely tired. For most of the past 2 weeks I've been in bed at about 8:00, asleep no later than 9:30. But anyway, I'll talk you through what has happened the past couple of weeks.
I saw one of the physio therapists the next day (Thursday 20th June) and she helped me adjust my walking for the next week before seeing the main physio I usually see. This really helped me as in my eyes it made me feel more confident about getting out of the wheelchair after only a couple of days and getting onto crutches.
The next Thursday I saw the main physio I normally see and she did the usual "push against me with your leg" and "can you feel this/that/and the other". But then she hit me with the bombshell of "How do you feel being like this", when I didn't understand and she re-worded it to "How would you feel if you were like this forever?". Then when she listed everything I had to try and stop for the time being - work, cello, singing, driving lessons, my house leader role, try and go in to school late - at that point I broke down. I know that in any other 17 year old girls eyes, being told to relax more is quite possibly a dream, but not for me. I have to be doing things that I know are productive and that will get me to a goal or better future point. My Mum said that she hasn't seen me get emotional and cry in front of her or doctors at all through my time of being like this. The idea of being told to practically give up my life instantly broke me and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle sitting there, doing nothing, just "relaxing". I think it would stress me out even more. She also wants me to see a psychologist as she thinks there may be a stress trigger in which has caused this mini relapse so we will have to see how that goes as it stresses me out a little more knowing I have to tell a total stranger everything about myself and anything emotionally related!
A week later we (Me, Mum & Dad) went to see the neurologist who says this is a "blip" and that it shouldn't happen again. Then again he said that last time and now look what's happened, it happened again. All I can do in his eyes though is go through more physio and just keep working at things. There are no more tests that can be done even if they're done at regular intervals and there is nothing else he can advise apart from look after myself.
As much as I can appreciate that there is clearly nothing else that can be done to try and find out what has happened to be and has been happening over the last 9/10 months, it is unbelievable frustrating that I haven't been given a specific diagnosis and that there is a possibility that it could happen again, which is a scary thing when this time next year I want to be able to feel excited about getting ready to go to uni and moving away from home. Not thinking "it could happen again at any point and you're alone".
All I can do now is get on with things like I did before, physio, looking after myself and attempting to limit myself in the amount of things I do.
See you later m'lovelies <3
At this exact moment in time I'm able to walk without crutches and don't need to lean on anyone one or anything for support... but I get extremely tired. For most of the past 2 weeks I've been in bed at about 8:00, asleep no later than 9:30. But anyway, I'll talk you through what has happened the past couple of weeks.
I saw one of the physio therapists the next day (Thursday 20th June) and she helped me adjust my walking for the next week before seeing the main physio I usually see. This really helped me as in my eyes it made me feel more confident about getting out of the wheelchair after only a couple of days and getting onto crutches.
The next Thursday I saw the main physio I normally see and she did the usual "push against me with your leg" and "can you feel this/that/and the other". But then she hit me with the bombshell of "How do you feel being like this", when I didn't understand and she re-worded it to "How would you feel if you were like this forever?". Then when she listed everything I had to try and stop for the time being - work, cello, singing, driving lessons, my house leader role, try and go in to school late - at that point I broke down. I know that in any other 17 year old girls eyes, being told to relax more is quite possibly a dream, but not for me. I have to be doing things that I know are productive and that will get me to a goal or better future point. My Mum said that she hasn't seen me get emotional and cry in front of her or doctors at all through my time of being like this. The idea of being told to practically give up my life instantly broke me and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle sitting there, doing nothing, just "relaxing". I think it would stress me out even more. She also wants me to see a psychologist as she thinks there may be a stress trigger in which has caused this mini relapse so we will have to see how that goes as it stresses me out a little more knowing I have to tell a total stranger everything about myself and anything emotionally related!
A week later we (Me, Mum & Dad) went to see the neurologist who says this is a "blip" and that it shouldn't happen again. Then again he said that last time and now look what's happened, it happened again. All I can do in his eyes though is go through more physio and just keep working at things. There are no more tests that can be done even if they're done at regular intervals and there is nothing else he can advise apart from look after myself.
As much as I can appreciate that there is clearly nothing else that can be done to try and find out what has happened to be and has been happening over the last 9/10 months, it is unbelievable frustrating that I haven't been given a specific diagnosis and that there is a possibility that it could happen again, which is a scary thing when this time next year I want to be able to feel excited about getting ready to go to uni and moving away from home. Not thinking "it could happen again at any point and you're alone".
All I can do now is get on with things like I did before, physio, looking after myself and attempting to limit myself in the amount of things I do.
See you later m'lovelies <3
Monday, 10 June 2013
6 months in to 2013
Hello m'lovelies :)
So we're moving into the 6th month of 2013 and WOW! has it gone fast. I thought I'd do a little bit of a flashback to the start of the year to see what's happened since then, which surprisingly for my life, is a lot!!
Let's start with the new year resolutions shall we?
1. To stop biting my nails - well this has been one of my resolutions that i managed to stick to up until the point of getting stressed out with exams and doctors appointments and things. Plus at one point when my nails seemed to be getting to the point of no return.. they all broke, split or peeled because I forgot to look after them properly. Now that exams have gone and I have less stress in my life, I'm trying again and actually looking after my feeble excuses for nails.
2. To eat healthier - HA! This resolution has not gone well at all... I think like many other people I comfort eat when I'm stressed, upset or angry and in my own little world I didn't think that I'd gain as much weight as I have done in the past six months but sadly this is not the case. I think this is what has kicked me into gear and so I am going to actually start this resolution (never too late to start after all!) by eating healthily and going to the gym, as well as doing my physio exercises - we'll come onto that in a bit.
3. To learn to walk - Now if any of you reading this know me, you will know how stubborn I have been with walking and things like that. Luckily I have been out of "the chair" on and off since January/February time and have not been back in it since the end of March. I'm back doing my regular shifts at work as well as doing extra ones which I did not thing I would be doing anytime soon.
4. To learn to drive - I would say this is the one that has been the best resolution to stick to as I have had 13 hours of driving lessons so far and have loved it since I sat in the driver's seat!! (I even did a three point turn in my last lesson!)
5. To have at least one weekend without doing coursework/homework - This is one I can honestly say that I don't think this is going to happen at all until after Summer, purely because of my having a shaky start to the year because of my legs, meaning I am quite behind in my art coursework. Now I know it isn't good enough to make excuses and things, but when you are unable to control any part of your legs and need to use a sewing machine.. it's pretty hard to keep on top of units of work that seem to be flying by. Luckily I am beginning to catch up on the work I did not complete and will have Summer (even though it isn't ideal) to get on top of everything and get it out of the way before year 13 begins in September.
Now on to general life that I think you might want to know or be interested in.
I recently finished my AS exams and so I am beginning A2 things ready for the start of year 13. This has actually changed my mind about a lot of things, because I know that I want to do something arty at university (that's another thing I've managed to decide in the last couple of months) and so I know that it's the best decision if I drop either English Literature or History for September. Now at the start of the year I wanted to drop English Lit.... now I've turned the total opposite and am considering dropping History.. but I'm committing to anything yet until results day.. which at this moment in time is 66 days and 17 hours away.
Another big change that has happened is that I have responsibility at school! Let me explain... I have become the Deputy House Leader of one of the houses at my school which is a great opportunity to put my stamp on the school along with the other members of the house leadership team. If anyone knows me they know I can get a tad over competitive so this next coming year will be very interesting with this being a slight problem I have. If I win anything it's brilliant but if I lose... you will know about it, even if you don't care.
I think that is everything that has happened in the last 6 months of my 2013 and I promise I will be updating you more for the rest of the year now that exams have gone past and I have more free time.
If you have any requests of blog posts or vlogs then comment below :)
See you later m'lovelies ♥
Monday, 25 March 2013
6 months on..
It's been close to 6 months since I had a virus which caused me to lose the ability to walk properly and now I cannot believe the change I've had to go through to get here. I have had go to doctors appointments nearly twice a month at some points which isn't easy since it means I miss school and get behind. It also means I have to re trace everything that has happened since I last saw the doctors and repeat myself a LOT which can get quite tedious after 6 months. So I thought I'd do a bit of an update blog post to tell you all how I'm doing and .. coping.
I've been able to walk around school a lot easier as you may have seen in my recent vlogs on my YouTube channel. This is a big step for me since 3 months ago I had to ask people to help me carry things or get things for me which made me feel so small and pathetic having to ask for little things all the time.
I'm not getting back to work and am currently doing two 3 hours shifts a week to get use to working since I am a part time waitress at a local pub, so it means a lot of time on my feet and carrying plates which is difficult for me since the problems I had with my back, back in November and December. Getting back to work feels really good as it means I feel independent again compared to what I said before where I had to ask people for the smallest of things.
I have booked my first driving lesson. I have been able to drive since November 22nd but because of my legs I wasn't even able to use a sewing machine so driving a car was a distant dream at that point whilst sat in a wheelchair. Doing this has made me feel like I've taken such a big step since it's going to be hard on me for the first couple of lessons so hopefully it will all fall into place after this.
Finally, school. I'd say I'm "coping" with school. Like I said before I was unable to use a sewing machine for quite some time until recently (3 or 4 weeks ago) and so with me taking a double A-level in Art and Design, it means I've been struggling to keep up on some units. With the nature of the BTEC I do you have about 6 weeks to do a unit so everything is quite tight in terms of deadlines. When I first went into hospital we were coming to the end of the first unit and began the second unit in the first full week I was back at school. Both of these units needed me to use a sewing machine quite a lot so I was held back purely because of my health which is understandable as I'd missed so much out of both units. Now that I'm getting back on track I suddenly feel this huge pressure to do everything all at once like catching up with art or learning to drive and get fit.. and it's scaring me quite a lot. On the other hand I don't want to go through what I've been through in the last 6 months and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies (not that there are any!) to go through the hospitals and pain and stress and emotion.
Thank you for reading my update of my legs and hope you enjoyed it or at least found it interesting. If you have any questions then leave a comment below and if you have any requests on blog posts or vlogs then leave a comment below as well or tell me through my twitter.
See you later m'lovelies
<3
I've been able to walk around school a lot easier as you may have seen in my recent vlogs on my YouTube channel. This is a big step for me since 3 months ago I had to ask people to help me carry things or get things for me which made me feel so small and pathetic having to ask for little things all the time.
I'm not getting back to work and am currently doing two 3 hours shifts a week to get use to working since I am a part time waitress at a local pub, so it means a lot of time on my feet and carrying plates which is difficult for me since the problems I had with my back, back in November and December. Getting back to work feels really good as it means I feel independent again compared to what I said before where I had to ask people for the smallest of things.
I have booked my first driving lesson. I have been able to drive since November 22nd but because of my legs I wasn't even able to use a sewing machine so driving a car was a distant dream at that point whilst sat in a wheelchair. Doing this has made me feel like I've taken such a big step since it's going to be hard on me for the first couple of lessons so hopefully it will all fall into place after this.
Finally, school. I'd say I'm "coping" with school. Like I said before I was unable to use a sewing machine for quite some time until recently (3 or 4 weeks ago) and so with me taking a double A-level in Art and Design, it means I've been struggling to keep up on some units. With the nature of the BTEC I do you have about 6 weeks to do a unit so everything is quite tight in terms of deadlines. When I first went into hospital we were coming to the end of the first unit and began the second unit in the first full week I was back at school. Both of these units needed me to use a sewing machine quite a lot so I was held back purely because of my health which is understandable as I'd missed so much out of both units. Now that I'm getting back on track I suddenly feel this huge pressure to do everything all at once like catching up with art or learning to drive and get fit.. and it's scaring me quite a lot. On the other hand I don't want to go through what I've been through in the last 6 months and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies (not that there are any!) to go through the hospitals and pain and stress and emotion.
Thank you for reading my update of my legs and hope you enjoyed it or at least found it interesting. If you have any questions then leave a comment below and if you have any requests on blog posts or vlogs then leave a comment below as well or tell me through my twitter.
See you later m'lovelies
<3
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Legs Update
It has been exactly 21 weeks and 3 days today since I had the virus that has temporarily means I am unable to walk properly, so when else is a better time to write an update blog about my legs.
If you read my post all about what happened, you will know that I have been on crutches to a wheelchair and now to nothing to help me walk properly and get me back to my original self. Just over a month ago when I wrote the blog post on my legs I was still in a wheelchair and unable to manage walking around my school to get to my lessons independently. Now I am able to walk around, lesson to lesson, although getting up stairs is still an issue so I am having to use the lift there up until I can get up them on my own, without someone being behind me just in case I fall backwards! I am even in heels and managing, although it has been proved my balance is a lot worse than it originally was, so I have to be extra careful not to break my ankle or anything drastic like that.
On Friday 22nd I did a practice shift back at my part-time job just for three hours and it went really well, but at the moment my legs are a little shakier than normal. It is like when you do exercise and a couple of days later you're sore all over and think your legs are about to fall off, with me my legs go shakier and weaker than normal and so I have to take it easy. Doing this shift gives me hope that I am going to get back to normal soon and I'm doing another one Sunday 3rd for another 3 hours, so maybe soon i'll be back there like I was before everything kicked off with my health! I'm even looking into driving lessons and trying to get into that, as I have been technically been able to drive since my birthday in November but have only recently tried using a sewing machine, never mind trying to drive a car!
Tomorrow I am planning to do some filiming for a new vlog as it has been nearly 2 months since i did one which isn't good!! So look out and hopefully something will be up tomorrow night or Friday night
If you have any questions about my legs or have any requests on blog posts or even vlogs, leave a comment below or tell me through my twitter!
See you later m'lovelies!
If you read my post all about what happened, you will know that I have been on crutches to a wheelchair and now to nothing to help me walk properly and get me back to my original self. Just over a month ago when I wrote the blog post on my legs I was still in a wheelchair and unable to manage walking around my school to get to my lessons independently. Now I am able to walk around, lesson to lesson, although getting up stairs is still an issue so I am having to use the lift there up until I can get up them on my own, without someone being behind me just in case I fall backwards! I am even in heels and managing, although it has been proved my balance is a lot worse than it originally was, so I have to be extra careful not to break my ankle or anything drastic like that.
On Friday 22nd I did a practice shift back at my part-time job just for three hours and it went really well, but at the moment my legs are a little shakier than normal. It is like when you do exercise and a couple of days later you're sore all over and think your legs are about to fall off, with me my legs go shakier and weaker than normal and so I have to take it easy. Doing this shift gives me hope that I am going to get back to normal soon and I'm doing another one Sunday 3rd for another 3 hours, so maybe soon i'll be back there like I was before everything kicked off with my health! I'm even looking into driving lessons and trying to get into that, as I have been technically been able to drive since my birthday in November but have only recently tried using a sewing machine, never mind trying to drive a car!
Tomorrow I am planning to do some filiming for a new vlog as it has been nearly 2 months since i did one which isn't good!! So look out and hopefully something will be up tomorrow night or Friday night
If you have any questions about my legs or have any requests on blog posts or even vlogs, leave a comment below or tell me through my twitter!
See you later m'lovelies!
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