Relapse.

Wednesday 19th June, sat in an English lesson and then... BOOM! No ability to walk or lift my legs. The first thing that goes through my mind? GREAT! More hospital appointments, more tests and scans, more intense physio, more missing out on things. Turns out I've had a mini relapse in which I'm effectively back to square 2.. not as bad as the very beginning but close to it.

At this exact moment in time I'm able to walk without crutches and don't need to lean on anyone one or anything for support... but I get extremely tired. For most of the past 2 weeks I've been in bed at about 8:00, asleep no later than 9:30. But anyway, I'll talk you through what has happened the past couple of weeks.

I saw one of the physio therapists the next day (Thursday 20th June) and she helped me adjust my walking for the next week before seeing the main physio I usually see. This really helped me as in my eyes it made me feel more confident about getting out of the wheelchair after only a couple of days and getting onto crutches.

The next Thursday I saw the main physio I normally see and she did the usual "push against me with your leg" and "can you feel this/that/and the other". But then she hit me with the bombshell of "How do you feel being like this", when I didn't understand and she re-worded it to "How would you feel if you were like this forever?". Then when she listed everything I had to try and stop for the time being - work, cello, singing, driving lessons, my house leader role, try and go in to school late - at that point I broke down. I know that in any other 17 year old girls eyes, being told to relax more is quite possibly a dream, but not for me. I have to be doing things that I know are productive and that will get me to a goal or better future point. My Mum said that she hasn't seen me get emotional and cry in front of her or doctors at all through my time of being like this. The idea of being told to practically give up my life instantly broke me and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle sitting there, doing nothing, just "relaxing". I think it would stress me out even more. She also wants me to see a psychologist as she thinks there may be a stress trigger in which has caused this mini relapse so we will have to see how that goes as it stresses me out a little more knowing I have to tell a total stranger everything about myself and anything emotionally related!

A week later we (Me, Mum & Dad) went to see the neurologist who says this is a "blip" and that it shouldn't happen again. Then again he said that last time and now look what's happened, it happened again. All I can do in his eyes though is go through more physio and just keep working at things. There are no more tests that can be done even if they're done at regular intervals and there is nothing else he can advise apart from look after myself.

As much as I can appreciate that there is clearly nothing else that can be done to try and find out what has happened to be and has been happening over the last  9/10 months, it is unbelievable frustrating that I haven't been given a specific diagnosis and that there is a possibility that it could happen again, which is a scary thing when this time next year I want to be able to feel excited about getting ready to go to uni and moving away from home. Not thinking "it could happen again at any point and you're alone".

All I can do now is get on with things like I did before, physio, looking after myself and attempting to limit myself in the amount of things I do.

See you later m'lovelies <3